Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
