Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
