she takes plan B like it's going out of style
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
