Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
