In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize