So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
