Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
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i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
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i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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