He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
