Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
MIDGETS
????
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
