i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
