Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
