we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
