The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
