I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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