I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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