she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm just crazy horny about you
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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