Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
