Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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