it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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