Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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