How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
