Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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