Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
