im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
