Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
i now understand why vodka
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
