just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
