I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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