its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
