I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
