mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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