K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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