EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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