If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
