I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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