Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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