You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
