I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Randomize
