I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Randomize
