party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
