if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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