I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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