At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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