This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
