Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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