Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
