My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
