tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
How does one acquire holy water?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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