Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
