Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Randomize
