You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
