I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
