Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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