Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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