maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
