i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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